Wednesday, December 15, 2010

# 8 The Grunt

There comes a time in everyone's life where they walk into the restroom, and hear audible sounds coming from the stall. Some may sing a song or hum a ditty, others may whistle a tune or tap their feet, but walking into the Church restroom to hear a low grunting coming from the stall is a sound that is not only disgusting, but can leave one very uncomfortable. So what can we do if we walk in on such an uncomfortable event? Here are a few thoughts that could help you out.

1) The first thing to remember is not to panic; panic will lead us to doing and saying things that just shouldn't be said or done. So with your nose plugged, take a deep breath; that's right, do not forget to breathe. Passing out will only cause more of a scene on your behalf.

2) We mustn't discount the fact that the grunter may be hurt or in pain, so a polite knock on the door with the kind question of, "Hey, are you okay in there?" May be in order, just make sure not to peak through the crack in the door. Eye contact may make your dealings with this parishioner in the future a little odd.

3) A sure way to get the grunter to stop grunting is to shut off the restroom light before you leave. It will shock them into using their words, rather than grunting.

4) If you walk into the restroom where someone is grunting like  a baboon, then you can always just turn around and leave ground zero, but be sure to tell an usher that someone maybe hurt, you may not want to deal with it, but if someone is grunting that much, there really may be something wrong that the slip of a laxative may cure.

5) If you happen to be the one in the Church restroom who is grunting, then do yourself a favor, and silence yourself. Sing a hymn, or stomp your foot, but please don't make anyone have to ask you if you need a suppository, or something of that nature. That's just not what we came to church to do.

Friday, October 15, 2010

# 7 Where are the stall Doors?

Is there anything worse than having an incredible stomach ache, walking into the the bathroom, and discovering that somehow, at sometime the doors have been removed from the stalls? The walls are still standing, but the doors? Nope...gone.

Not too long ago I walked into the church restroom of a church that I was visiting. I was just going to the restroom to wash my hands, but when I approached the sink, I looked up into the mirror, and the reflection revealed a middle aged man, sitting on the pot. Unfortunately we made eye contact, but I quickly looked back down as to be really focused on how well I was washing my hands. I felt like I should have been washing my eyes out, but that would have taken longer, and I really needed to get out of there before permanent blindness set in. I just prayed that the man wouldn't say anything to me in the meantime. I mean seriously, this is not the time to strike up a new friendship... but soon enough he spoke.

The Man
"How you doing?"


The Man
"The doors are off the hinges!"

(As if I hadn't noticed)
"Oh yea...Wonder why? Have a nice day"

Can you see how uncomfortable that short conversation was? I ran out of there as quick as I could. This is an incredible uncomfortable position to find ourselves in, both for the pooper, and for the viewer. So please, please, if the doors are off the hinges in the church restroom, then use the McDonald's down the street. Everybody knows you will without question have to poop at some time or another, but absolutely nobody should have to see your act in performance.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

#6 Surviving The Chili Cook Off

The Chili cook off is an annual event at most churches. It's a time where all of the parishioners get the opportunity to go head to head to demonstrate their ability to cook a pot of Chili. Each participant may be cooking the same style of food, but only one will  take the title of "Chili Champ", only one will take home that coveted blue ribbon. I personally love the Chili Cook off, I'm a big fan of heat, and some would even say a glutton for punishment. With that said, if my tongue hasn't developed blisters, then your Chili isn't hot enough and you won't be getting my vote; sorry but that's just the way I roll.

Even though we all enjoy the opportunity to taste Chili, and take in some good Christian Fellowship, I think one of most peculiar things is seeing the drop in church attendance the following day. This sudden drop only leaves one to guess if maybe those missing parishioners had eaten a little more Chili than their tummy's could handle. With that said, we need to be careful of which Chili's we eat, and for the most part, the name of the Chili should be your first clue as to how hazardous your little cup of beans could be. So in an effort to keep your head above water, and keep your butt in the church pew instead of letting out P.U. here is a short list of 10 actual Chili names I've found that pretty frankly sum up why we should steer clear.

1) 2 Flush Chili
2) Red in, Brown out
3) The Broken Plunger
4) One Bowl Leads to Another
5) Near Death
6) Where's the Air Freshener?
7) The Colon Cleanser
8) Out Of Order
9) The Permanent Laxative
10) Holy Rollin' my Butt is Swollen

Which one is your favorite? I have mine, but I won't tell (Number 4). Chili Cook offs are a great way to fellowship, and they offer a great opportunity for us to invite our friends to our church event without them feeling like your cramming God down their throat. Let's just beware of what we're cramming down our throats in the meantime. Let's eat well, praise God, and love on each other at the Saturday Chili Cook off, then let's get a good night sleep so we can show up to church proudly stating that though we ate and ate a ton of Chili, we indeed survived the Chili Cook off.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

#5 When Someone Walks In On Your Unlocked Door

All churches are different. From the size of the chapel, to the size of the congregation. From the style of the worship, to the style of the pastors teachings. Most Churches are unique and diverse in their own rite, and yes-even the restrooms are different. I've been in some church restrooms that have four sinks, seven stalls, and ten urinals. Then I've been in some smaller more intimate church restrooms; Two stalls, three urinals, and one sink. But the classic church restroom which always leaves room for problems is the private restroom.

Private restrooms are very nice don't get me wrong. In the solo restroom we have privacy to do our business, while at the same time a private restroom gives us the time we need to check our phone messages, text message a friend, re-apply our make up (That's for the women), and even look up that Bible verse that the Pastor just referenced us to. The solo private restroom gives us the opportunity to have a seat, take a load off, and drop a load off. The private restroom can turn a normal potty time into an off the hook party time. But when somebody unexpectedly walks in our private party; this can cause the party to come to a earth shattering halt.

The person who walks in:

"Someones in here"

The person who walks in:
"Oh the door wasn't locked"

"Okay can you please shut the door? I'll be right out"

The person who walks in:
"Oh goodness I didn't realize I was still in here isn't that funny? Hey, why are you on your laptop"

"Get Out!!!..."

Yes your party has been rained out, and you are left in an awkward position where you'll have to face that person again; either that or you can make the decision to change churches (which I do not recommend). With that said, let's just focus on how to handle facing that person who walked in on you.

1) Run Away

Running away will solve everything for the day, but when next week arrives, you'll just have to face them anyway. This is a temporary solution to the problem, but if embarrassment has overtaken you, you may just want to consider this one until enough time has passed.

2) Climb out the window

This is much like running away, however the key to this one is to lock the door first. Yes, the door will get a couple of knocks from the other parishioners, but by the time they jimmy the door open, you and the evidence will be long gone; just don't forget to flush, and DO NOT leave your cell phone or purse behind. I can't stress that enough.

3) Claim that the door lock is broken

The first two will get you away from the scene of the crime for a little while. But if you feeling brave, then just face the music. Say to that person "The door must be broken", or you can even offer some advice saying "The lock appears to be busted, you might want to use the kids centers restroom instead". It always pays off to be polite, and offer help, and if you do it correctly, that person will not only take your advice, but they'll walk away from the scene saying "What a nice person". (Kudos to you) Remember, the greatest gift of a Christian is indeed Love.

4) Laugh it off

This is probably the best thing that one can do in my opinion. Walk out of the bathroom and say something like "Whew...did you smell that?". Maybe they did, and maybe they didn't but laughing about it will bring about a level playing field and eliminate all embarrassment for the both of you.

Let's face it, we've all been in both positions. We've all been walked in on, and we've all walked in on others. So let's make a pact: let's agree to double check the locks on the door each and every time we enter the church restroom. This will save us the embarrassment and keep me from having to post a follow up to this particular blog, even though I know how much I'd enjoy writing it:)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

#4 Handling The Sleepers Peeper

I can't count how many times I've been sitting in church and have seen someone sleeping. Now please don't misunderstand my spirit in regards to this blog post. I'm not blaming or casting stones upon the sleeper themselves, I don't know what's going on in their life. Maybe they've had a long night, maybe they work nights;  I'm not condemning their sleeping itself. What should concern us is when the person in front of us lets out a "toot" while they're asleep in church. What then shall we do?

Well, we will have to approach each sleeper peeper situation on a case to case basis, so the first thing that we're going to want to do is discover the potency of the poison we're dealing with, so if you hear a toot come from the sleeper, then the first thing we must do is throw our head back and take a big long whiff. If you don't smell anything then we'll just have to consider the rule "No harm no foul". However if we do smell a "Smell", we should admit that we're in trouble, and begin to take action! Here are a few ideas of things we can do to silence the flatulence.

1) Kick their Chair

If your close enough to the peeper then a simple kick on the back of their seat should wake them up and plug the gas leak, but if you're a few seats down then you may need to take more aggressive action.

2) Sharing Mints

Consider opening up a small tin of mints and sharing them with those around you. Quietly pass the tin to your neighbor, and make sure it reaches the sleeping peeper. This will not only wake the peeper up, but it will stop the sleeper from blessing us with the scents of their bowels, and offer them the opportunity to freshen their breath.

3) Shout Amen Really Loud

This one is going to take some strategy. You can't just shout Amen! at any moment during the service, but if and when the Pastor says something that you strongly agree with, then shouting amen should not only wake up the peeper, but it can win you some points with the Pastor too.

4) Spray Air Freshener

This will draw attention, but if those around you have been struggling with the same scent you've been struggling with, then you may be their hero. Spray in smaller increments throughout the service doing your best to aim the can towards the peeper. Caution: Do not spray the air freshener upward in the air. Try to spray it under the pews. If you spray it in the air you could be removed from the service by one of the bouncers-I meant to say ushers.

5) Retaliate

If all else fails you can always retaliate. Close your eyes, pretend that you're asleep and let out a peep of your own. You won't make any new friends, but depending on what you've eaten the night before, this could wake up the sleeper, thus silencing their peeps.

Let's face it, there's nothing worse than having your Church service disturbed by a foul smell. I'd encourage you to do your best to ignore it if at all possible, but if you just can't do it, I hope these ideas will offer you some help.

Post some of your own ideas on the comments section of this blog.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

#3 Where Should I Place My Bible When I'm Using The Church Restroom?

One of the most difficult things about using the restroom at church is trying to figure out where to put my Bible. Some churches that I've been to have these very nice Bible shelves. You walk in to the restroom, place your Bible on the shelf, and when you've completed your business, you just pick up your Bible and move along. It may make you feel like a Kinder-gardener who is leaving their belongings in their cubby, but at least your Bible will be kept clean and free from all of the restrooms impurities. But what if you don't have a Bible shelf? What should we do with our Bible while we use the restroom? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Put it underneath your arm.

I understand this is much easier for some than it is for others, but it's always worth a try. I will caution you though; if you feel that your Bible is slipping, or if you feel that you are just unable to hold your Bible under your arm while you poop or pee, then try something different immediately. There's nothing worse than having to clean your Bible off because it's fallen on the restroom floor, and who knows what it's falling into.

2) Place it on the back of the urinal or toilet.

Hmmm...This one is pretty disgusting, but if you enter the stall with Bible in hand this may be your only choice. The best way to prepare for this is to carry a zip-lock bag in your Bible case, once you enter the stall, place your Bible inside of the bag and then place your Bible on the back of the toilet. This will keep your Bible clean, and make you look extra holy to the other parishioners who are in the restroom with you.

3) Place your Bible on the sink counter.

It makes perfect sense doesn't it? You walk in to the restroom and there it is; the sink counter. This is a great option if you're in a rush, but I will caution you, when you reaching for a towel to dry your hands after you've washed your hands, you may want to grab a couple of extra towels for your Bible; it will probably be wet from the free standing water left on the counter from others who have washed their hands before you.

4) leave your Bible on your pew or seat.

This option makes sense, but beware, this could lead people to think that you forgot your Bible at home, or worse yet, that you're not as Holy as they are. The best way to handle this is to walk into the restroom and say something loudly like "Boy, I can't wait to get back to my King James; I left it on my seat". This step will not only keep your Bible clean but lead others to believe you have an incredible relationship with your Bible. I will caution you, my son has left his Bible on a pew before and while using the restroom it was stolen, yes stolen! So if you want to be really safe, add a GPS tracking device. The blinking light should keep sticky fingers off.

These of course are only a few of the many things we can do with our Bible's while we use the restroom. I'd encourage you to comment and add a few of your own. Truth said, I've tried all of these and I can use a few new ideas.

Monday, September 20, 2010

#2 Did Adam and Eve Poop?

It's the untold story of the first man who ever walked the earth. And a question that I remember one brave little soul asking my third grade Sunday School teacher. The child said

"Mr. White, Did Adam and Eve Poop?"

Most of us kids began laughing, but what was really funny was how uncomfortable Mr. White appeared. He didn't know how to answer, so with an awkward tone the teacher replied, "Kids that's something that I think you should ask your parents." I never asked my parents, I knew the answer; it was obvious. Even at the young age of eight years old I knew the truth, food Goes in, poop comes out. It's a natural part of our digestive system, and Adam and Eve were no different.

Still I can't help but imagine what restroom life must have been like in the garden. How did Adam and Eve handle the conversation of having a BM?

Adam: Excuse me dear but I have to go do that thing that makes my belly feel better. You know...that thing that smells bad, but helps me feel better?

Eve: Oh you mean dung

Adam: Is that what we've decided to call it?

Eve: It sounds appropriate

Adam: Okay, we'll I have to go dung then.

Eve: Adam please do it in the bathroom this time, last time I found your excrement under the kitchen table.

Adam: What's a bathroom? What's a Kitchen? What's a table? I see you've been busy naming things, without me again.

Kids ask the funniest questions, and they have absolutely no problem asking questions about poop, pee, or passing some occasional premium high octane gas. It's the adults who are uncomfortable with the topic. Let's face it, Adam pooped, Eve pooped, and so do you and I. We don't have to discuss it if we don't want to, but it doesn't change the facts.