Is there anything worse than having an incredible stomach ache, walking into the the bathroom, and discovering that somehow, at sometime the doors have been removed from the stalls? The walls are still standing, but the doors? Nope...gone.
Not too long ago I walked into the church restroom of a church that I was visiting. I was just going to the restroom to wash my hands, but when I approached the sink, I looked up into the mirror, and the reflection revealed a middle aged man, sitting on the pot. Unfortunately we made eye contact, but I quickly looked back down as to be really focused on how well I was washing my hands. I felt like I should have been washing my eyes out, but that would have taken longer, and I really needed to get out of there before permanent blindness set in. I just prayed that the man wouldn't say anything to me in the meantime. I mean seriously, this is not the time to strike up a new friendship... but soon enough he spoke.
The Man
"How you doing?"
Me
"Oh...fine"
The Man
"The doors are off the hinges!"
Me
(As if I hadn't noticed)
"Oh yea...Wonder why? Have a nice day"
Can you see how uncomfortable that short conversation was? I ran out of there as quick as I could. This is an incredible uncomfortable position to find ourselves in, both for the pooper, and for the viewer. So please, please, if the doors are off the hinges in the church restroom, then use the McDonald's down the street. Everybody knows you will without question have to poop at some time or another, but absolutely nobody should have to see your act in performance.
Showing posts with label Chirstian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chirstian. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
#6 Surviving The Chili Cook Off
The Chili cook off is an annual event at most churches. It's a time where all of the parishioners get the opportunity to go head to head to demonstrate their ability to cook a pot of Chili. Each participant may be cooking the same style of food, but only one will take the title of "Chili Champ", only one will take home that coveted blue ribbon. I personally love the Chili Cook off, I'm a big fan of heat, and some would even say a glutton for punishment. With that said, if my tongue hasn't developed blisters, then your Chili isn't hot enough and you won't be getting my vote; sorry but that's just the way I roll.
Even though we all enjoy the opportunity to taste Chili, and take in some good Christian Fellowship, I think one of most peculiar things is seeing the drop in church attendance the following day. This sudden drop only leaves one to guess if maybe those missing parishioners had eaten a little more Chili than their tummy's could handle. With that said, we need to be careful of which Chili's we eat, and for the most part, the name of the Chili should be your first clue as to how hazardous your little cup of beans could be. So in an effort to keep your head above water, and keep your butt in the church pew instead of letting out P.U. here is a short list of 10 actual Chili names I've found that pretty frankly sum up why we should steer clear.
1) 2 Flush Chili
2) Red in, Brown out
3) The Broken Plunger
4) One Bowl Leads to Another
5) Near Death
6) Where's the Air Freshener?
7) The Colon Cleanser
8) Out Of Order
9) The Permanent Laxative
10) Holy Rollin' my Butt is Swollen
Which one is your favorite? I have mine, but I won't tell (Number 4). Chili Cook offs are a great way to fellowship, and they offer a great opportunity for us to invite our friends to our church event without them feeling like your cramming God down their throat. Let's just beware of what we're cramming down our throats in the meantime. Let's eat well, praise God, and love on each other at the Saturday Chili Cook off, then let's get a good night sleep so we can show up to church proudly stating that though we ate and ate a ton of Chili, we indeed survived the Chili Cook off.
Even though we all enjoy the opportunity to taste Chili, and take in some good Christian Fellowship, I think one of most peculiar things is seeing the drop in church attendance the following day. This sudden drop only leaves one to guess if maybe those missing parishioners had eaten a little more Chili than their tummy's could handle. With that said, we need to be careful of which Chili's we eat, and for the most part, the name of the Chili should be your first clue as to how hazardous your little cup of beans could be. So in an effort to keep your head above water, and keep your butt in the church pew instead of letting out P.U. here is a short list of 10 actual Chili names I've found that pretty frankly sum up why we should steer clear.
1) 2 Flush Chili
2) Red in, Brown out
3) The Broken Plunger
4) One Bowl Leads to Another
5) Near Death
6) Where's the Air Freshener?
7) The Colon Cleanser
8) Out Of Order
9) The Permanent Laxative
10) Holy Rollin' my Butt is Swollen
Which one is your favorite? I have mine, but I won't tell (Number 4). Chili Cook offs are a great way to fellowship, and they offer a great opportunity for us to invite our friends to our church event without them feeling like your cramming God down their throat. Let's just beware of what we're cramming down our throats in the meantime. Let's eat well, praise God, and love on each other at the Saturday Chili Cook off, then let's get a good night sleep so we can show up to church proudly stating that though we ate and ate a ton of Chili, we indeed survived the Chili Cook off.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
#4 Handling The Sleepers Peeper
I can't count how many times I've been sitting in church and have seen someone sleeping. Now please don't misunderstand my spirit in regards to this blog post. I'm not blaming or casting stones upon the sleeper themselves, I don't know what's going on in their life. Maybe they've had a long night, maybe they work nights; I'm not condemning their sleeping itself. What should concern us is when the person in front of us lets out a "toot" while they're asleep in church. What then shall we do?
Well, we will have to approach each sleeper peeper situation on a case to case basis, so the first thing that we're going to want to do is discover the potency of the poison we're dealing with, so if you hear a toot come from the sleeper, then the first thing we must do is throw our head back and take a big long whiff. If you don't smell anything then we'll just have to consider the rule "No harm no foul". However if we do smell a "Smell", we should admit that we're in trouble, and begin to take action! Here are a few ideas of things we can do to silence the flatulence.
1) Kick their Chair
If your close enough to the peeper then a simple kick on the back of their seat should wake them up and plug the gas leak, but if you're a few seats down then you may need to take more aggressive action.
2) Sharing Mints
Consider opening up a small tin of mints and sharing them with those around you. Quietly pass the tin to your neighbor, and make sure it reaches the sleeping peeper. This will not only wake the peeper up, but it will stop the sleeper from blessing us with the scents of their bowels, and offer them the opportunity to freshen their breath.
3) Shout Amen Really Loud
This one is going to take some strategy. You can't just shout Amen! at any moment during the service, but if and when the Pastor says something that you strongly agree with, then shouting amen should not only wake up the peeper, but it can win you some points with the Pastor too.
4) Spray Air Freshener
This will draw attention, but if those around you have been struggling with the same scent you've been struggling with, then you may be their hero. Spray in smaller increments throughout the service doing your best to aim the can towards the peeper. Caution: Do not spray the air freshener upward in the air. Try to spray it under the pews. If you spray it in the air you could be removed from the service by one of the bouncers-I meant to say ushers.
5) Retaliate
If all else fails you can always retaliate. Close your eyes, pretend that you're asleep and let out a peep of your own. You won't make any new friends, but depending on what you've eaten the night before, this could wake up the sleeper, thus silencing their peeps.
Let's face it, there's nothing worse than having your Church service disturbed by a foul smell. I'd encourage you to do your best to ignore it if at all possible, but if you just can't do it, I hope these ideas will offer you some help.
Post some of your own ideas on the comments section of this blog.
Well, we will have to approach each sleeper peeper situation on a case to case basis, so the first thing that we're going to want to do is discover the potency of the poison we're dealing with, so if you hear a toot come from the sleeper, then the first thing we must do is throw our head back and take a big long whiff. If you don't smell anything then we'll just have to consider the rule "No harm no foul". However if we do smell a "Smell", we should admit that we're in trouble, and begin to take action! Here are a few ideas of things we can do to silence the flatulence.
1) Kick their Chair
If your close enough to the peeper then a simple kick on the back of their seat should wake them up and plug the gas leak, but if you're a few seats down then you may need to take more aggressive action.
2) Sharing Mints
Consider opening up a small tin of mints and sharing them with those around you. Quietly pass the tin to your neighbor, and make sure it reaches the sleeping peeper. This will not only wake the peeper up, but it will stop the sleeper from blessing us with the scents of their bowels, and offer them the opportunity to freshen their breath.
3) Shout Amen Really Loud
This one is going to take some strategy. You can't just shout Amen! at any moment during the service, but if and when the Pastor says something that you strongly agree with, then shouting amen should not only wake up the peeper, but it can win you some points with the Pastor too.
4) Spray Air Freshener
This will draw attention, but if those around you have been struggling with the same scent you've been struggling with, then you may be their hero. Spray in smaller increments throughout the service doing your best to aim the can towards the peeper. Caution: Do not spray the air freshener upward in the air. Try to spray it under the pews. If you spray it in the air you could be removed from the service by one of the bouncers-I meant to say ushers.
5) Retaliate
If all else fails you can always retaliate. Close your eyes, pretend that you're asleep and let out a peep of your own. You won't make any new friends, but depending on what you've eaten the night before, this could wake up the sleeper, thus silencing their peeps.
Let's face it, there's nothing worse than having your Church service disturbed by a foul smell. I'd encourage you to do your best to ignore it if at all possible, but if you just can't do it, I hope these ideas will offer you some help.
Post some of your own ideas on the comments section of this blog.
Monday, September 20, 2010
#2 Did Adam and Eve Poop?
It's the untold story of the first man who ever walked the earth. And a question that I remember one brave little soul asking my third grade Sunday School teacher. The child said
"Mr. White, Did Adam and Eve Poop?"
Most of us kids began laughing, but what was really funny was how uncomfortable Mr. White appeared. He didn't know how to answer, so with an awkward tone the teacher replied, "Kids that's something that I think you should ask your parents." I never asked my parents, I knew the answer; it was obvious. Even at the young age of eight years old I knew the truth, food Goes in, poop comes out. It's a natural part of our digestive system, and Adam and Eve were no different.
Still I can't help but imagine what restroom life must have been like in the garden. How did Adam and Eve handle the conversation of having a BM?
Adam: Excuse me dear but I have to go do that thing that makes my belly feel better. You know...that thing that smells bad, but helps me feel better?
Eve: Oh you mean dung
Adam: Is that what we've decided to call it?
Eve: It sounds appropriate
Adam: Okay, we'll I have to go dung then.
Eve: Adam please do it in the bathroom this time, last time I found your excrement under the kitchen table.
Adam: What's a bathroom? What's a Kitchen? What's a table? I see you've been busy naming things, without me again.
Kids ask the funniest questions, and they have absolutely no problem asking questions about poop, pee, or passing some occasional premium high octane gas. It's the adults who are uncomfortable with the topic. Let's face it, Adam pooped, Eve pooped, and so do you and I. We don't have to discuss it if we don't want to, but it doesn't change the facts.
"Mr. White, Did Adam and Eve Poop?"
Most of us kids began laughing, but what was really funny was how uncomfortable Mr. White appeared. He didn't know how to answer, so with an awkward tone the teacher replied, "Kids that's something that I think you should ask your parents." I never asked my parents, I knew the answer; it was obvious. Even at the young age of eight years old I knew the truth, food Goes in, poop comes out. It's a natural part of our digestive system, and Adam and Eve were no different.
Still I can't help but imagine what restroom life must have been like in the garden. How did Adam and Eve handle the conversation of having a BM?
Adam: Excuse me dear but I have to go do that thing that makes my belly feel better. You know...that thing that smells bad, but helps me feel better?
Eve: Oh you mean dung
Adam: Is that what we've decided to call it?
Eve: It sounds appropriate
Adam: Okay, we'll I have to go dung then.
Eve: Adam please do it in the bathroom this time, last time I found your excrement under the kitchen table.
Adam: What's a bathroom? What's a Kitchen? What's a table? I see you've been busy naming things, without me again.
Kids ask the funniest questions, and they have absolutely no problem asking questions about poop, pee, or passing some occasional premium high octane gas. It's the adults who are uncomfortable with the topic. Let's face it, Adam pooped, Eve pooped, and so do you and I. We don't have to discuss it if we don't want to, but it doesn't change the facts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)