All churches are different. From the size of the chapel, to the size of the congregation. From the style of the worship, to the style of the pastors teachings. Most Churches are unique and diverse in their own rite, and yes-even the restrooms are different. I've been in some church restrooms that have four sinks, seven stalls, and ten urinals. Then I've been in some smaller more intimate church restrooms; Two stalls, three urinals, and one sink. But the classic church restroom which always leaves room for problems is the private restroom.
Private restrooms are very nice don't get me wrong. In the solo restroom we have privacy to do our business, while at the same time a private restroom gives us the time we need to check our phone messages, text message a friend, re-apply our make up (That's for the women), and even look up that Bible verse that the Pastor just referenced us to. The solo private restroom gives us the opportunity to have a seat, take a load off, and drop a load off. The private restroom can turn a normal potty time into an off the hook party time. But when somebody unexpectedly walks in our private party; this can cause the party to come to a earth shattering halt.
The person who walks in:
"Oops...sorry!!!"
You:
"Someones in here"
The person who walks in:
"Oh the door wasn't locked"
You:
"Okay can you please shut the door? I'll be right out"
The person who walks in:
"Oh goodness I didn't realize I was still in here isn't that funny? Hey, why are you on your laptop"
You:
"Get Out!!!..."
Yes your party has been rained out, and you are left in an awkward position where you'll have to face that person again; either that or you can make the decision to change churches (which I do not recommend). With that said, let's just focus on how to handle facing that person who walked in on you.
1) Run Away
Running away will solve everything for the day, but when next week arrives, you'll just have to face them anyway. This is a temporary solution to the problem, but if embarrassment has overtaken you, you may just want to consider this one until enough time has passed.
2) Climb out the window
This is much like running away, however the key to this one is to lock the door first. Yes, the door will get a couple of knocks from the other parishioners, but by the time they jimmy the door open, you and the evidence will be long gone; just don't forget to flush, and DO NOT leave your cell phone or purse behind. I can't stress that enough.
3) Claim that the door lock is broken
The first two will get you away from the scene of the crime for a little while. But if you feeling brave, then just face the music. Say to that person "The door must be broken", or you can even offer some advice saying "The lock appears to be busted, you might want to use the kids centers restroom instead". It always pays off to be polite, and offer help, and if you do it correctly, that person will not only take your advice, but they'll walk away from the scene saying "What a nice person". (Kudos to you) Remember, the greatest gift of a Christian is indeed Love.
4) Laugh it off
This is probably the best thing that one can do in my opinion. Walk out of the bathroom and say something like "Whew...did you smell that?". Maybe they did, and maybe they didn't but laughing about it will bring about a level playing field and eliminate all embarrassment for the both of you.
Let's face it, we've all been in both positions. We've all been walked in on, and we've all walked in on others. So let's make a pact: let's agree to double check the locks on the door each and every time we enter the church restroom. This will save us the embarrassment and keep me from having to post a follow up to this particular blog, even though I know how much I'd enjoy writing it:)
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
#4 Handling The Sleepers Peeper
I can't count how many times I've been sitting in church and have seen someone sleeping. Now please don't misunderstand my spirit in regards to this blog post. I'm not blaming or casting stones upon the sleeper themselves, I don't know what's going on in their life. Maybe they've had a long night, maybe they work nights; I'm not condemning their sleeping itself. What should concern us is when the person in front of us lets out a "toot" while they're asleep in church. What then shall we do?
Well, we will have to approach each sleeper peeper situation on a case to case basis, so the first thing that we're going to want to do is discover the potency of the poison we're dealing with, so if you hear a toot come from the sleeper, then the first thing we must do is throw our head back and take a big long whiff. If you don't smell anything then we'll just have to consider the rule "No harm no foul". However if we do smell a "Smell", we should admit that we're in trouble, and begin to take action! Here are a few ideas of things we can do to silence the flatulence.
1) Kick their Chair
If your close enough to the peeper then a simple kick on the back of their seat should wake them up and plug the gas leak, but if you're a few seats down then you may need to take more aggressive action.
2) Sharing Mints
Consider opening up a small tin of mints and sharing them with those around you. Quietly pass the tin to your neighbor, and make sure it reaches the sleeping peeper. This will not only wake the peeper up, but it will stop the sleeper from blessing us with the scents of their bowels, and offer them the opportunity to freshen their breath.
3) Shout Amen Really Loud
This one is going to take some strategy. You can't just shout Amen! at any moment during the service, but if and when the Pastor says something that you strongly agree with, then shouting amen should not only wake up the peeper, but it can win you some points with the Pastor too.
4) Spray Air Freshener
This will draw attention, but if those around you have been struggling with the same scent you've been struggling with, then you may be their hero. Spray in smaller increments throughout the service doing your best to aim the can towards the peeper. Caution: Do not spray the air freshener upward in the air. Try to spray it under the pews. If you spray it in the air you could be removed from the service by one of the bouncers-I meant to say ushers.
5) Retaliate
If all else fails you can always retaliate. Close your eyes, pretend that you're asleep and let out a peep of your own. You won't make any new friends, but depending on what you've eaten the night before, this could wake up the sleeper, thus silencing their peeps.
Let's face it, there's nothing worse than having your Church service disturbed by a foul smell. I'd encourage you to do your best to ignore it if at all possible, but if you just can't do it, I hope these ideas will offer you some help.
Post some of your own ideas on the comments section of this blog.
Well, we will have to approach each sleeper peeper situation on a case to case basis, so the first thing that we're going to want to do is discover the potency of the poison we're dealing with, so if you hear a toot come from the sleeper, then the first thing we must do is throw our head back and take a big long whiff. If you don't smell anything then we'll just have to consider the rule "No harm no foul". However if we do smell a "Smell", we should admit that we're in trouble, and begin to take action! Here are a few ideas of things we can do to silence the flatulence.
1) Kick their Chair
If your close enough to the peeper then a simple kick on the back of their seat should wake them up and plug the gas leak, but if you're a few seats down then you may need to take more aggressive action.
2) Sharing Mints
Consider opening up a small tin of mints and sharing them with those around you. Quietly pass the tin to your neighbor, and make sure it reaches the sleeping peeper. This will not only wake the peeper up, but it will stop the sleeper from blessing us with the scents of their bowels, and offer them the opportunity to freshen their breath.
3) Shout Amen Really Loud
This one is going to take some strategy. You can't just shout Amen! at any moment during the service, but if and when the Pastor says something that you strongly agree with, then shouting amen should not only wake up the peeper, but it can win you some points with the Pastor too.
4) Spray Air Freshener
This will draw attention, but if those around you have been struggling with the same scent you've been struggling with, then you may be their hero. Spray in smaller increments throughout the service doing your best to aim the can towards the peeper. Caution: Do not spray the air freshener upward in the air. Try to spray it under the pews. If you spray it in the air you could be removed from the service by one of the bouncers-I meant to say ushers.
5) Retaliate
If all else fails you can always retaliate. Close your eyes, pretend that you're asleep and let out a peep of your own. You won't make any new friends, but depending on what you've eaten the night before, this could wake up the sleeper, thus silencing their peeps.
Let's face it, there's nothing worse than having your Church service disturbed by a foul smell. I'd encourage you to do your best to ignore it if at all possible, but if you just can't do it, I hope these ideas will offer you some help.
Post some of your own ideas on the comments section of this blog.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
#3 Where Should I Place My Bible When I'm Using The Church Restroom?
One of the most difficult things about using the restroom at church is trying to figure out where to put my Bible. Some churches that I've been to have these very nice Bible shelves. You walk in to the restroom, place your Bible on the shelf, and when you've completed your business, you just pick up your Bible and move along. It may make you feel like a Kinder-gardener who is leaving their belongings in their cubby, but at least your Bible will be kept clean and free from all of the restrooms impurities. But what if you don't have a Bible shelf? What should we do with our Bible while we use the restroom? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Put it underneath your arm.
I understand this is much easier for some than it is for others, but it's always worth a try. I will caution you though; if you feel that your Bible is slipping, or if you feel that you are just unable to hold your Bible under your arm while you poop or pee, then try something different immediately. There's nothing worse than having to clean your Bible off because it's fallen on the restroom floor, and who knows what it's falling into.
2) Place it on the back of the urinal or toilet.
Hmmm...This one is pretty disgusting, but if you enter the stall with Bible in hand this may be your only choice. The best way to prepare for this is to carry a zip-lock bag in your Bible case, once you enter the stall, place your Bible inside of the bag and then place your Bible on the back of the toilet. This will keep your Bible clean, and make you look extra holy to the other parishioners who are in the restroom with you.
3) Place your Bible on the sink counter.
It makes perfect sense doesn't it? You walk in to the restroom and there it is; the sink counter. This is a great option if you're in a rush, but I will caution you, when you reaching for a towel to dry your hands after you've washed your hands, you may want to grab a couple of extra towels for your Bible; it will probably be wet from the free standing water left on the counter from others who have washed their hands before you.
4) leave your Bible on your pew or seat.
This option makes sense, but beware, this could lead people to think that you forgot your Bible at home, or worse yet, that you're not as Holy as they are. The best way to handle this is to walk into the restroom and say something loudly like "Boy, I can't wait to get back to my King James; I left it on my seat". This step will not only keep your Bible clean but lead others to believe you have an incredible relationship with your Bible. I will caution you, my son has left his Bible on a pew before and while using the restroom it was stolen, yes stolen! So if you want to be really safe, add a GPS tracking device. The blinking light should keep sticky fingers off.
These of course are only a few of the many things we can do with our Bible's while we use the restroom. I'd encourage you to comment and add a few of your own. Truth said, I've tried all of these and I can use a few new ideas.
1) Put it underneath your arm.
I understand this is much easier for some than it is for others, but it's always worth a try. I will caution you though; if you feel that your Bible is slipping, or if you feel that you are just unable to hold your Bible under your arm while you poop or pee, then try something different immediately. There's nothing worse than having to clean your Bible off because it's fallen on the restroom floor, and who knows what it's falling into.
2) Place it on the back of the urinal or toilet.
Hmmm...This one is pretty disgusting, but if you enter the stall with Bible in hand this may be your only choice. The best way to prepare for this is to carry a zip-lock bag in your Bible case, once you enter the stall, place your Bible inside of the bag and then place your Bible on the back of the toilet. This will keep your Bible clean, and make you look extra holy to the other parishioners who are in the restroom with you.
3) Place your Bible on the sink counter.
It makes perfect sense doesn't it? You walk in to the restroom and there it is; the sink counter. This is a great option if you're in a rush, but I will caution you, when you reaching for a towel to dry your hands after you've washed your hands, you may want to grab a couple of extra towels for your Bible; it will probably be wet from the free standing water left on the counter from others who have washed their hands before you.
4) leave your Bible on your pew or seat.
This option makes sense, but beware, this could lead people to think that you forgot your Bible at home, or worse yet, that you're not as Holy as they are. The best way to handle this is to walk into the restroom and say something loudly like "Boy, I can't wait to get back to my King James; I left it on my seat". This step will not only keep your Bible clean but lead others to believe you have an incredible relationship with your Bible. I will caution you, my son has left his Bible on a pew before and while using the restroom it was stolen, yes stolen! So if you want to be really safe, add a GPS tracking device. The blinking light should keep sticky fingers off.
These of course are only a few of the many things we can do with our Bible's while we use the restroom. I'd encourage you to comment and add a few of your own. Truth said, I've tried all of these and I can use a few new ideas.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Who Plugged The Church Toilet? (Explained)
Okay so you've opened this page out of curiosity. I understand! Why would someone want to write about a backed up church toilet? Why would someone want to speak about a backed up church toilet? Why would someone want to remember a backed up church toilet?
Well to answer these questions you'll just have to understand the kind of man that I am. I find great humor in the off color things of life. The incidents that most people would aspire to purge from their memories, are the exact same things that I strive to hold onto. The reasons are simple:
1) I like to laugh
2) I think that watching a man frantically run into the sanctuary with beads of sweat on his forehead, after plugging the church toilet is funny.
Actually, what's even funnier than someone plugging the church toilet is watching the church staff get up out of their chairs of leadership, roll up their sleeves, and make haste in the middle of service to plunge one of the parishioners poop. Okay, I know I said the word poop, but the truth is so do you. Who knows you may say poop every day, I know that I do. I have young kids, a dog, and my wife has a horse; we say poop in my house almost as much as we say food, and why shouldn't we, food and poop are both connected in one way or another aren't they?
The reason for these writings is not to offend, but to bring a little bit of the same bathroom humor we'll laugh about at home, to light in the church. Why-because it's funny.
We've all walked into the restroom at the church and have smelt a foul unholy smell. Why don't we just laugh about it? Why do we make it out to be an unmentionable act? We've all walked into the nursery and wondered why the entire room is filled with that sweet baby fragrance of throw up and dung, but we wouldn't say anything about it. It's just not appropriate.
Look, I understand that every Christian may not have an off color sense of humor, some Christian may not have a sense of humor at all. Not all Christians have the joy or the peace in this life that they'd hope to have. Every Christian may not have a taste for the church potlucks famous macaroni salad, and every Christian may not attend church on a regular basis. But no matter how diverse the likes or tastes of Christians can be, there is one thing that all Christians should be able to talk about. There is one thing that all Christians do have in common. Like it or not, let's face it...Every Christian Poops!!!
Well to answer these questions you'll just have to understand the kind of man that I am. I find great humor in the off color things of life. The incidents that most people would aspire to purge from their memories, are the exact same things that I strive to hold onto. The reasons are simple:
1) I like to laugh
2) I think that watching a man frantically run into the sanctuary with beads of sweat on his forehead, after plugging the church toilet is funny.
Actually, what's even funnier than someone plugging the church toilet is watching the church staff get up out of their chairs of leadership, roll up their sleeves, and make haste in the middle of service to plunge one of the parishioners poop. Okay, I know I said the word poop, but the truth is so do you. Who knows you may say poop every day, I know that I do. I have young kids, a dog, and my wife has a horse; we say poop in my house almost as much as we say food, and why shouldn't we, food and poop are both connected in one way or another aren't they?
The reason for these writings is not to offend, but to bring a little bit of the same bathroom humor we'll laugh about at home, to light in the church. Why-because it's funny.
We've all walked into the restroom at the church and have smelt a foul unholy smell. Why don't we just laugh about it? Why do we make it out to be an unmentionable act? We've all walked into the nursery and wondered why the entire room is filled with that sweet baby fragrance of throw up and dung, but we wouldn't say anything about it. It's just not appropriate.
Look, I understand that every Christian may not have an off color sense of humor, some Christian may not have a sense of humor at all. Not all Christians have the joy or the peace in this life that they'd hope to have. Every Christian may not have a taste for the church potlucks famous macaroni salad, and every Christian may not attend church on a regular basis. But no matter how diverse the likes or tastes of Christians can be, there is one thing that all Christians should be able to talk about. There is one thing that all Christians do have in common. Like it or not, let's face it...Every Christian Poops!!!
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