Is there anything worse than having an incredible stomach ache, walking into the the bathroom, and discovering that somehow, at sometime the doors have been removed from the stalls? The walls are still standing, but the doors? Nope...gone.
Not too long ago I walked into the church restroom of a church that I was visiting. I was just going to the restroom to wash my hands, but when I approached the sink, I looked up into the mirror, and the reflection revealed a middle aged man, sitting on the pot. Unfortunately we made eye contact, but I quickly looked back down as to be really focused on how well I was washing my hands. I felt like I should have been washing my eyes out, but that would have taken longer, and I really needed to get out of there before permanent blindness set in. I just prayed that the man wouldn't say anything to me in the meantime. I mean seriously, this is not the time to strike up a new friendship... but soon enough he spoke.
The Man
"How you doing?"
Me
"Oh...fine"
The Man
"The doors are off the hinges!"
Me
(As if I hadn't noticed)
"Oh yea...Wonder why? Have a nice day"
Can you see how uncomfortable that short conversation was? I ran out of there as quick as I could. This is an incredible uncomfortable position to find ourselves in, both for the pooper, and for the viewer. So please, please, if the doors are off the hinges in the church restroom, then use the McDonald's down the street. Everybody knows you will without question have to poop at some time or another, but absolutely nobody should have to see your act in performance.
Showing posts with label Bathroom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bathroom. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
#6 Surviving The Chili Cook Off
The Chili cook off is an annual event at most churches. It's a time where all of the parishioners get the opportunity to go head to head to demonstrate their ability to cook a pot of Chili. Each participant may be cooking the same style of food, but only one will take the title of "Chili Champ", only one will take home that coveted blue ribbon. I personally love the Chili Cook off, I'm a big fan of heat, and some would even say a glutton for punishment. With that said, if my tongue hasn't developed blisters, then your Chili isn't hot enough and you won't be getting my vote; sorry but that's just the way I roll.
Even though we all enjoy the opportunity to taste Chili, and take in some good Christian Fellowship, I think one of most peculiar things is seeing the drop in church attendance the following day. This sudden drop only leaves one to guess if maybe those missing parishioners had eaten a little more Chili than their tummy's could handle. With that said, we need to be careful of which Chili's we eat, and for the most part, the name of the Chili should be your first clue as to how hazardous your little cup of beans could be. So in an effort to keep your head above water, and keep your butt in the church pew instead of letting out P.U. here is a short list of 10 actual Chili names I've found that pretty frankly sum up why we should steer clear.
1) 2 Flush Chili
2) Red in, Brown out
3) The Broken Plunger
4) One Bowl Leads to Another
5) Near Death
6) Where's the Air Freshener?
7) The Colon Cleanser
8) Out Of Order
9) The Permanent Laxative
10) Holy Rollin' my Butt is Swollen
Which one is your favorite? I have mine, but I won't tell (Number 4). Chili Cook offs are a great way to fellowship, and they offer a great opportunity for us to invite our friends to our church event without them feeling like your cramming God down their throat. Let's just beware of what we're cramming down our throats in the meantime. Let's eat well, praise God, and love on each other at the Saturday Chili Cook off, then let's get a good night sleep so we can show up to church proudly stating that though we ate and ate a ton of Chili, we indeed survived the Chili Cook off.
Even though we all enjoy the opportunity to taste Chili, and take in some good Christian Fellowship, I think one of most peculiar things is seeing the drop in church attendance the following day. This sudden drop only leaves one to guess if maybe those missing parishioners had eaten a little more Chili than their tummy's could handle. With that said, we need to be careful of which Chili's we eat, and for the most part, the name of the Chili should be your first clue as to how hazardous your little cup of beans could be. So in an effort to keep your head above water, and keep your butt in the church pew instead of letting out P.U. here is a short list of 10 actual Chili names I've found that pretty frankly sum up why we should steer clear.
1) 2 Flush Chili
2) Red in, Brown out
3) The Broken Plunger
4) One Bowl Leads to Another
5) Near Death
6) Where's the Air Freshener?
7) The Colon Cleanser
8) Out Of Order
9) The Permanent Laxative
10) Holy Rollin' my Butt is Swollen
Which one is your favorite? I have mine, but I won't tell (Number 4). Chili Cook offs are a great way to fellowship, and they offer a great opportunity for us to invite our friends to our church event without them feeling like your cramming God down their throat. Let's just beware of what we're cramming down our throats in the meantime. Let's eat well, praise God, and love on each other at the Saturday Chili Cook off, then let's get a good night sleep so we can show up to church proudly stating that though we ate and ate a ton of Chili, we indeed survived the Chili Cook off.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
#1 Using the Restroom During Silent Church Prayer
I've always enjoyed the time that I spend in quiet prayer. It's an opportunity to talk with God, and focus on all that He has done for me. In addition to the quiet time that I have with the Lord in the privacy of my own home, I've also come to enjoy the Silent prayer time that we have at the Church.
Weather the pastor gives us time to silently pray during worship, or weather it's at the afterglow following the service, corporate quiet time is beautiful. But I've noticed that as much as we can enjoy our quiet time in the church, it's during these quiet times that the church speaks in ways we normally wouldn't hear while the music is being played loudly, or the preacher is preaching their message. It's at these quiet times during service that we hear all kinds of things; individuals outside of the sanctuary gossiping, we hear kids running in and out of doors, we hear kids getting spankings for putting gum in each others hair, and we've even been disturbed by the parishioner who couldn't wait until after the service to have a very loud holy rollin bowel movement just 25 feet away in the restroom.
Now we'll give this individual a little credit because they didn't know that everyone would hear him/her, nor did this person know it was prayer time; they were in the rest room, making room for the traditional all you can eat Sunday Brunch. Still it doesn't change the fact that when that back door opens, everyone is going to turn around to see who it was who interrupted the prayer with a rupture of flatulent sounds. So how can we avoid this embarrassment? Here are 4 things that I've come up with, and please post more ideas in the comments if you have them.
1) Close the bathroom door
Some multi person church restrooms have those doors that always stay open. Sure there's enough privacy between the foyer and the stalls so nobody can see in, but if you're needing to have a bowel movement while service is in session, it may be a good idea to test those hinges, and close the door. Sure the usher may come by and try to open it back up again, but when he hears whats going on, he and many others will be sure to leave you alone.
2) Wait until after service
Okay I know that this is an obvious antidote to avoiding the embarrassment of bowel sounds being heard during church prayer, but seriously. Why is it that we can't wait? Is your home out of toilet paper? Or are you just interested in reading the church bulletin which is conveniently posted on the back side of the stall door. What ever the case may be, waiting until after service, or better yet until you get home, may be the perfect fix to keeping your BM from becoming a part of the service.
3) Watch what you eat the day before
We used to eat Buffalo Wings every Saturday night...we don't do that any more! Eating spicy foods, or anything that upsets your stomach before church is just going to set you up for disaster. If your tummy is easily upset by fatty foods, do your church a favor...stick with a low fiber high protein diet on Saturdays.
4) Use the kids bathroom
Okay this is kind of a cop out, but if there is nothing else you can do, and you have to go, then why not let the kids church listen to it. They'll not only think it's funny, but you'll become a hero to many of the little boys who can only hope to be able to make sounds like that come from their own bodies.
Scripture tells us that God desires for us come to him in prayer.
Ephesians 6:18 says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to "Pray continually"
Colossians 4:2 says "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."
Prayer is an awesome time that we have to be intimate with God. Whether you're in a silent church prayer or praying in the bathroom, God desires your conversation with Him. Let's just do our best to keep our bowel sounds to a minimum for the sake of the rest of the congregation and their time in prayer.
J.R. Prainito
Weather the pastor gives us time to silently pray during worship, or weather it's at the afterglow following the service, corporate quiet time is beautiful. But I've noticed that as much as we can enjoy our quiet time in the church, it's during these quiet times that the church speaks in ways we normally wouldn't hear while the music is being played loudly, or the preacher is preaching their message. It's at these quiet times during service that we hear all kinds of things; individuals outside of the sanctuary gossiping, we hear kids running in and out of doors, we hear kids getting spankings for putting gum in each others hair, and we've even been disturbed by the parishioner who couldn't wait until after the service to have a very loud holy rollin bowel movement just 25 feet away in the restroom.
Now we'll give this individual a little credit because they didn't know that everyone would hear him/her, nor did this person know it was prayer time; they were in the rest room, making room for the traditional all you can eat Sunday Brunch. Still it doesn't change the fact that when that back door opens, everyone is going to turn around to see who it was who interrupted the prayer with a rupture of flatulent sounds. So how can we avoid this embarrassment? Here are 4 things that I've come up with, and please post more ideas in the comments if you have them.
1) Close the bathroom door
Some multi person church restrooms have those doors that always stay open. Sure there's enough privacy between the foyer and the stalls so nobody can see in, but if you're needing to have a bowel movement while service is in session, it may be a good idea to test those hinges, and close the door. Sure the usher may come by and try to open it back up again, but when he hears whats going on, he and many others will be sure to leave you alone.
2) Wait until after service
Okay I know that this is an obvious antidote to avoiding the embarrassment of bowel sounds being heard during church prayer, but seriously. Why is it that we can't wait? Is your home out of toilet paper? Or are you just interested in reading the church bulletin which is conveniently posted on the back side of the stall door. What ever the case may be, waiting until after service, or better yet until you get home, may be the perfect fix to keeping your BM from becoming a part of the service.
3) Watch what you eat the day before
We used to eat Buffalo Wings every Saturday night...we don't do that any more! Eating spicy foods, or anything that upsets your stomach before church is just going to set you up for disaster. If your tummy is easily upset by fatty foods, do your church a favor...stick with a low fiber high protein diet on Saturdays.
4) Use the kids bathroom
Okay this is kind of a cop out, but if there is nothing else you can do, and you have to go, then why not let the kids church listen to it. They'll not only think it's funny, but you'll become a hero to many of the little boys who can only hope to be able to make sounds like that come from their own bodies.
Scripture tells us that God desires for us come to him in prayer.
Ephesians 6:18 says "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to "Pray continually"
Colossians 4:2 says "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."
Prayer is an awesome time that we have to be intimate with God. Whether you're in a silent church prayer or praying in the bathroom, God desires your conversation with Him. Let's just do our best to keep our bowel sounds to a minimum for the sake of the rest of the congregation and their time in prayer.
J.R. Prainito
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Who Plugged The Church Toilet? (Explained)
Okay so you've opened this page out of curiosity. I understand! Why would someone want to write about a backed up church toilet? Why would someone want to speak about a backed up church toilet? Why would someone want to remember a backed up church toilet?
Well to answer these questions you'll just have to understand the kind of man that I am. I find great humor in the off color things of life. The incidents that most people would aspire to purge from their memories, are the exact same things that I strive to hold onto. The reasons are simple:
1) I like to laugh
2) I think that watching a man frantically run into the sanctuary with beads of sweat on his forehead, after plugging the church toilet is funny.
Actually, what's even funnier than someone plugging the church toilet is watching the church staff get up out of their chairs of leadership, roll up their sleeves, and make haste in the middle of service to plunge one of the parishioners poop. Okay, I know I said the word poop, but the truth is so do you. Who knows you may say poop every day, I know that I do. I have young kids, a dog, and my wife has a horse; we say poop in my house almost as much as we say food, and why shouldn't we, food and poop are both connected in one way or another aren't they?
The reason for these writings is not to offend, but to bring a little bit of the same bathroom humor we'll laugh about at home, to light in the church. Why-because it's funny.
We've all walked into the restroom at the church and have smelt a foul unholy smell. Why don't we just laugh about it? Why do we make it out to be an unmentionable act? We've all walked into the nursery and wondered why the entire room is filled with that sweet baby fragrance of throw up and dung, but we wouldn't say anything about it. It's just not appropriate.
Look, I understand that every Christian may not have an off color sense of humor, some Christian may not have a sense of humor at all. Not all Christians have the joy or the peace in this life that they'd hope to have. Every Christian may not have a taste for the church potlucks famous macaroni salad, and every Christian may not attend church on a regular basis. But no matter how diverse the likes or tastes of Christians can be, there is one thing that all Christians should be able to talk about. There is one thing that all Christians do have in common. Like it or not, let's face it...Every Christian Poops!!!
Well to answer these questions you'll just have to understand the kind of man that I am. I find great humor in the off color things of life. The incidents that most people would aspire to purge from their memories, are the exact same things that I strive to hold onto. The reasons are simple:
1) I like to laugh
2) I think that watching a man frantically run into the sanctuary with beads of sweat on his forehead, after plugging the church toilet is funny.
Actually, what's even funnier than someone plugging the church toilet is watching the church staff get up out of their chairs of leadership, roll up their sleeves, and make haste in the middle of service to plunge one of the parishioners poop. Okay, I know I said the word poop, but the truth is so do you. Who knows you may say poop every day, I know that I do. I have young kids, a dog, and my wife has a horse; we say poop in my house almost as much as we say food, and why shouldn't we, food and poop are both connected in one way or another aren't they?
The reason for these writings is not to offend, but to bring a little bit of the same bathroom humor we'll laugh about at home, to light in the church. Why-because it's funny.
We've all walked into the restroom at the church and have smelt a foul unholy smell. Why don't we just laugh about it? Why do we make it out to be an unmentionable act? We've all walked into the nursery and wondered why the entire room is filled with that sweet baby fragrance of throw up and dung, but we wouldn't say anything about it. It's just not appropriate.
Look, I understand that every Christian may not have an off color sense of humor, some Christian may not have a sense of humor at all. Not all Christians have the joy or the peace in this life that they'd hope to have. Every Christian may not have a taste for the church potlucks famous macaroni salad, and every Christian may not attend church on a regular basis. But no matter how diverse the likes or tastes of Christians can be, there is one thing that all Christians should be able to talk about. There is one thing that all Christians do have in common. Like it or not, let's face it...Every Christian Poops!!!
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